Tuesday, July 19, 2011

How I am Feeling

Everyday I woke up from bed,
I would need to head to work,
I would know,
It's my off day.
What's next,
Off to the gym?
Where I tire myself to the brim?
Or on that lame PC and start doing nonsense on it?
Oh how did the PC came to being and ruined everyone's lives?

Going out, spending time with friends?
Friends that  would give you a good time,
And at times give you heartaches as well?
Some have even faded away,
After marriage, working life, or after graduation,
They have became less,
Rare as precious metals,
As some has proven itself to be of cheap steel,
They rusted, and wasted away.
I feel sad as those are the very close friends that I once used to have.

It becomes repetitive after a while.
Tainted with politics, backstabbing, and all sorts of others,
Which every job out there will surely have.
Which work is something that you would put your everything in like a hobby or leisure?
None, coz it just ain't.
It slowly catches up with you and throws you into a spinning turbine...
And as it catches up speed,
You'll feel dizzy,
Out of breath at times,
Tired, exhausted, sick of it.
Till the machine runs a full cycle and stops.
And guess what? It's been 8 hours of work and it's time to head home!
Ahh that moment...
And before you know it...
You're stuck at the traffic...
The jam so massive you'd cry "why oh why ain't I'm working on some other off peak hour?"
And if you do you would cry otherwise as you will lack a life.

Some have been great,
These days most suck.
They suck so bad you'd wanna scream at the movie,
Asking why did it made you spent 2 freaking hours of your life and 13 bucks,
For some piece of shit.
Like working life did not suck you dry of your hours,
And you would need another to take the time away?

People in this country,
The young,
I've seen it all...
Some spoilt, some stubborn, some selfish,
Some full of hatred, some being saddists,
Some being ignorant fools, some being odd so bad till they hurt themselves,
Some being jobless coz of their horrible attitude,
Some driving a big car coz their parents are rich.
All the nonsense.
Why did parents allow such a thing to happen???
Why did it came to my generation and those after??
Why do I have to bear through it all,
Seeing them like this?
And it's sad to know it's affecting our country really bad.
Is it the education system? Shall we blame the goverment?
Seriously I got tired of blaming that.
I just... wish I could dissapear from this forsaken country,
To somewhere that I would really feel I belong to.

That is how I felt, so deep inside...
The hurt...
The hurt especially that came from her,
Of what she said I am,
Still hurts till this very day.
I blame myself for seeing her go that day.
I could not help it.
I ain't suicidal, just a deep scar,
Which has been enwritten in my heart.
Tho I know I have changed to become a better man,
All becoz of her...
Yet that scar will take a long time to heal...

I'm not even sure if I should even write this,
but I guess a little doesn't hurt.
I just wish,
They would be close...
Why leave mum alone....
Why let me take all the care,
Shoulder to me all the responsibilites.
She's old dammit,
Can't you all spend more time with someone,
Who have pour out so much helping you grow?
What's wrong this these people?
I have tried my best to be a good son.
Really, I've tried,
And still trying,
Sometimes I don't know how much I should do before it's enough.
It's tiring.
I wish I had a brother,
or 2, to help take care of mother,
But it's just not a choice for us to decide.
And my 3rd sister,
Why can't a miracle just cure her??
Why can't she help herself?
Why is it the same every year?

I wish it ain't that complicated,
but it's been like that,
(since Dad was around it has been like that)
yet I know there are others out there much worse than me,
I shall pour all this out this day and pray,
That you God will help me and strengthen me,
Guide me and be my rock.
Help me through these times when I'm feeling so much pain,
So much torment,
Tears that I hold back.
I rarely tell people this much,
But I need to...
To keep myself sane this time.

Thank you for those who cared,
For those whom helped me in times where I was down.
I truly appreciate them.
Without you I would have been torn down,
Torn to pieces by my own emotions,
Been swept away beyond recognition.
You gave me hope to continue,
To continue this journey of life...

Amongst it all,
God is the the solid rock,
that has always been there,
He has been there for me through thick and thin.
Words alone could not describe my relationship with him.
What I went through since young,
You had no idea how much He has helped me.

I pray,
I pray that all this negativity will fade away,
That better days will come,
That I will finally find the meaning,
To it all some day,
To understand why am I on this earth,
What does it really mean to live,
And what I could be some day...

These are the words of how I'm feeling,
The words that I pour out now.

No comments: